YOU MAKE ME SMILE
(:

Help.

I'm lost
and i'm confused.
For once i don't have someone to lean on...
For once i don't have you to lean on.
It's only me.
Maybe i'm making myself believe that i have more strength than i really do.
Maybe all this hard work i'm putting in is pointless.
Maybe i won't get anything out of it.
Maybe it's because i'm scared.
Maybe it's because i'm not ready for this.

I think i need some help changing my mind.

Dear Jessi,
you're only a month into motherhood,
but you're already doing an amazing job.
Lenni is so lucky to have a mother like you.
I am so, so, so proud of you.

I love you both,
unconditionally.
<3

Jamieson "Jake" Mackenzie Warren Dunlop,
thank you for being the one person who knows me better than myself.
Thank you for being my best friend,
in the most sincere but complicated sense of the word.
Thank you for understanding my flaws, and loving me anyways.
Thank you for sticking by my side, even after everything we've been through.
The friendship we share is so special, let's never let it go.

For everything under the sun,
I owe you one.




You saved me.

Be free of your broken self.

You do a damn good job,
of keeping me awake at night.
And scaring me out of putting my trust into anyone.
I have no intention of letting you back into my life
(but i'm hoping you don't want to get back into it anyways).
In fact,
i want to push you as far away as possible.
But i don't want to forget about what you did to me.
I just want to be able to think about it less often.
I want to be able to think about it, not in sadness, but in pride that i won this battle.
There are days,
weeks,
months,
where i wish it never happened.
But there' a little, tiny part of me
that knows i'm stronger because of it (or at least, i'm getting there).

I'm tired of hurting.
So i'm going to heal.
Starting tomorrow,
i'm going to fix myself.
I'm going to mend all the broken bits.
I know it won't happen fast,
but it will happen.
I'm not a victim anymore.
I'm just a hurting person waiting for some sort of sign,
or some sort of finish line.
Once i reach it,
i'll know i'm over you
and what you did to me.

What will you do?

I'm going to graduate this year,
and i'm going to do it on time.
I'm going to miss my big brother the whole time.
I'm going to quit smoking.
I'm going to peform at Coffee House, and maybe at Umi Cafe.
I'm going to focus on myself, and make sure i'm okay.
I'm going to go to group therapy.
I'm going to paint my room,
and frame my photos and put them on my walls.
I'm going to get a job.
I'm going to save money.
I'm going to do everything i can to get a plane ticket to Africa for next summer.
I'm going to work hard at everything i do.
I'm going to buy a new film camera.
I'm going to remain clueless as to who i am,
but that's okay..
Because no one ever really finds out anyways.

I'm going to do this all this year,
and i'm going to be happy.

Amazed by you.

You are exactly what i needed to happen in my life.
You are the person i've been waiting for.
You are everything i'm confused about,
and amazed by all at once..

You
are literally one in a million.


I'm not sure what's gotten into me,
but you're giving me a feeling i've literally never felt before.
All i ever want to do now is be around you.
Just as a friend,
just as someone who is completely
and utterly
baffled by you.

That night we spent together doesn't have to define our friendship,
but i know it's given us a greater connection.
I know i'm not ready for anything else to happen,
but i know that's okay with you.

You know that i'm scared,
but that doesn't scare you.
And that's what means the most..
that you're not afraid to break down my barriers to get to me.
I'm so, so thankful that you think i'm worth the struggle.
I've never felt like i was worth the struggle before,
and i never thought i would.

You're exactly what i was looking for.
Within a month and a half,
you've become one of my best friends.

Thank you for that.
Thank you for everything.