Be calm in your heart.

I think that
in this moment
that's how i feel.

Jake-O

"Holly you have so much strength it astounds me, to find strength in pain and hope in hurt is something that many people cannot do, if you get any stronger I'm afraid you'll turn to stone"
-Jake Sullivan.

I don't think i've ever recieved such an amazing compliment.
Just that makes me feel a thousand times better.

I'm so so so happy you're having an amazing time over there in Thailand, Jake. It fills me with happiness to know that you're learning so much and growing so much as a person. I envy your adventures, but i could not be happier for you. However, i absoulutely cannot wait for you to come home. I can't wait to give you a big hug and just pick up right where we left off.
I can't wait to hear all of the stories i haven't heard yet, and i can't wait to double ride on Joel's longboard again. I can't wait to have more picnics and go on more adventures through Aylmer and around Ottawa.
Thank you for being who you are, and thank you for being one of the best friends my eyes have ever seen. You make it easier for me to be myself, and remind me never to give up. You're the kind of person who only comes along once in a while. I feel extremely lucky to have met you, way back at the beginning when we wrapped plastic bags around our wrists and learned about eachother behind the counter at Grand& Toy.
Keep on living the way you do,
it's a beautiful thing.

Signs?

I think it might be :]

Drinking 200 dollar champagne and fucking to Beethoven's 9th symphony... now that's classy.


;)

Thoughts.

I talked with Sophie last night on the bus,
about Nick, and how much she missed him.
About how hard it is to know that someone you love is sick.
About how angry is makes both of us.

She's one of the strongest people i've ever met.
"I mean.. i lost my little brother to it...
My jaw and cheeks literally hurt for a week from crying so hard after i saw him die..."
That's always going to stick with me.

I love that she can be so open with me about Nick.
She actually loves talking about him,
but she needs someone who can listen and know what she's been through.

So we're going to set up a date,
just to talk, and get things off our chests.

I know my situation isn't as severe as hers, but it's good to have someone there for me.

I love her a lot,
and i'm so sorry that she had to go through all of that.



I'm just glad that she helped give Nicky a happy life.
May he rest in peace.





I love you, Soph<3.

I think i'm starting to feel alive again.

.. but i'm not getting my hopes up.

<3

Thank you...

Thomas Mackenzie Nathan Murdock,
for showing me what true love is. For showing me that, even after 3 years (cancer or no cancer), our love still exists, and it's now stronger than ever.
You always show unconditional love,
and you're always someone i can count on, night or day, through thick and thin.
Thank you for loving me just the way i am.
















Martine Joelle Marie Vallieres,
for always being someone i can talk to, and laugh with.
We always pick up right where we left off, and it always seems so perfect.
I love you for being so warm and open-hearted.
Please don't ever change who you are,
because the world would lose one amazing person if you weren't around being the wonderful girl you are.
















Jasmine Marieve Astrid Costa-Johnson,
for being such such a wonderful person. You always know how to lift my spirits, and you're the perfect person to talk to when i'm feeling down.
You've got something not a lot of people have: strength. You always know how to keep going, and you're always selfless in the process.
Thank you for being my favourite little twin.
















Wesley Gordon Burness,
for always being my best friend, no matter what. We may have drifted apart, but you're still the one who has my heart, entirely. You can talk to anyone about anything, and leave them smiling, and i love you for that. Thank you for knowing me inside and out, and always being here when i need your love the most.


















Alex Donald Fulton Johnson,
for being my other half. For always, always, always being there when i need to talk, and for always knowing just what to do and say. You dance in the rain with me, you always make me laugh, and you're just the friend i've been looking for. Thank you for being who you are, because it makes it easier for me to be me.














Amanda Victoria Mueller,
thank you for being so outgoing, so loving, and so hilarious. You always make me laugh more than almost anyone, and you're always so high spirited, no matter what happens. You've taught me to live a little more, and to keep my chin up, and i love you so much for that.



















Viktor McKenzie Masek,
for being like a third brother to me. You're the one i can go crazy with, the one who i can totally goof off with and not even care. Even though i don't get to see you very often, the times i do get to see you are always worth the wait. I love you more than a lot of people, and i love that you're always there for me, to look out for me, to tease me, and to make me laugh, just like any older brother would.




















Cory Jay Shepherdson,
for being someone who, for once, goes for what they truly want, and never gives up. Thank you for sticking around, through all we've been through. Thank you for talking to me for hours on end, sending me "good morning" texts, teaching me new things at every opportunity, and always greeting me with open arms. I can't believe you've put up with all the tears, the late-night drunk phone calls, the break ups, and the awkward silences. You've always been by my side, and you've always wanted to be there. So for all of this and more, i thank you.




















Lindsay Ellen Parker,
for literally being there my entire life. We may be very different people now, but no matter what, you always know just what to say to remind me that, no matter what, you are like a sister to me. You're the best sister i've never had, and you've got more wit and confidence than i've seen in a lot of people. You've managed to stay yourself, and not let people bring you down, and to me, that is amazing. Thank you for keeping in touch, regardless of the distance, and always being someone i can count on.



















Jacob Edward Sullivan the 3rd,
for taking life and making it exactly what you want. You live life more than anyone i know, you seize opportunities, and you go out and do what you want to do. You've shown me a side of myself that i really needed to find, and that is so important to me. Thank you for playing music with me, for making to-do lists with me, for calling me just to see how i'm doing, for joking with me, and for never ever ever judging me. You are truly an amazing person, and i am so unbelievabely happy i met you.



















Erin Taylor Hartman,
for reminding me that just because we're not always side by side, doesn't mean our friendship can't be strong. I miss you everyday, but honestly, the times that i do get to see you are so worth it. You are a truly selfless and beautiful person. You, in a lot of ways, are one of the best friends i could ever have asked for. You always know how to listen, you always make me laugh, and you always make sure i'm okay. But, above all else, you manage to give me some of the best few days of my summer every year, and forget about our time spent apart. I love you.



















Eric Thomas Frank Harvie,
for being a good friend in a short amount of time. There's not a lot else i can say other than thank you for caring so much in so little time. It means a lot to have someone like you around, making sure i'm okay. I hope to see you again in the future, i miss you lots and lots.




















Adela Zdimerova,
for keeping in touch. It means the world to me that we've stayed this close from such a distance. And now that you're back, even for such a short time, i remember why we became so close in the first place: it's hard to resist such an amazing person. We're inseperable, even with the distance and the language barrier. The six months you spent here with me were so amazing, and this past week has been just as great. You're my favourite little Czech, and you always make me laugh. I love you, infinitely. The amount i miss you when you're gone is ridiculous, but i know that, no matter what, we'll see eachother again someday... I pinky promise<3

















Jamieson "Jake" Mackenzie Warren Dunlop,
for being the one person who knows me better than anyone. We've had ups and downs, but no matter what i'll probably always be most comfortable in front of you. You're one of my best friends in the whole world, and i love you for sticking by my side. Even when things fell appart we managed to stay friends, and that makes me so happy. Thank you for being so honest with me, and letting me be my crazy self around you... you've opened my eyes to a lot of things that i was blind to before.

Adoijfodijfoidsjflijflksjfs.

I didn't think you could fuck me up so badly.

I hope you hurt beyond belief after what you did to me.
But the fucked up part is, i know you don't.
You still get pleasure out of fucking with my head, and you love to show it to the world.
I can honestly say that no one has hurt me as much as you,
no one scares me as much as you,
no one makes me as mad as you,
and no one has broken my trust like you.

I wish so badly i could say something,
but the selfish bit inside of me is just afraid that if i do,
i'll get hurt again.

I thought i was fine,
i thought i'd finally started to put it behind me,
until you fucked with my head again.
Public humiliation isn't pretty, and nor are the other terrible things you did to me,
and every single part of me wishes i had the guts to make you realize that.

You're a sick, sick person.
And it makes me sick to see that somehow, people still get wrapped up in your little game.
I've been hurt before,
but not like this.
I've never had my trust broken like this.
I've never had my emotions toyed with like this.
I don't know where you see the fun in this,
but i hope it haunts you in your sleep,
i hope it makes you sick like it makes me sick,
i hope it bothers you every second of everyday,
and i hope you regret it with every ounce of your being.
Because you
are a
bad,
bad,
bad
person.

I'm honestly ready to say that
you're the one who got me lost in the first place.
You're the one who pushed me off the edge,
and the one who left me afraid..
It's all your fucking fault
and it scares me that it's taken me this long to realize it.

I'm not usually one to hold grudges,
i'm not usually one to hate people,
or wish people to misery..
but i hope you lead a sad and sorry life,
because that's the fate you drove me to,
and i feel the pain of it every second of every minute
of every fucking day.

You deserve nothing short of the worst.



(I wish i could say i was ready to let go.. but i think this is only the beginning)