Iloveyoudad.

I think the day your blackerry dies
will be the day i get my father back.


I love you,
and i miss you more than you'll ever know.


Thanks for all your hard work.
Thanks for being the best father i could i could ever, ever, ever have asked for.
Thank you for fighting hard,
and staying strong,
and sticking around.

But i need you in my life for more than a few hours a week.





Today may have been one of the best days of my life,
really.
I seriously thought spending quality time with you was something that i might not get to do again for a few years.


But honestly dad,
you mean the world to me.
Thank you for everything.

Happy Birthday/Happy Father's Day,
I miss you and love you.

ErBear<3

This means the world to me.
Thank you, Erin:


I've never missed more than now,
those few short days a year.
And I knew nothing, and you
knew nothing. Still,
you came every summer,
to that same old spot
that our grandparents shared,
years before our time.
And we'd laugh, and forget
the awkwardness, and renew
ourselves every year
in that crisp, cool water.
We ran, just like we were told,
and somehow enjoyed
every moment of it.
A simple escape, here with you.
These roots have stayed,
and grown, throughout childhood,
through the confusion of
emerging teenage years,
and still as we stand
on the doorstep of adulthood.
And this whole time, I've never stopped
wishing you were just a ltitle closer,
though I know you wouldn't
deny the bonds that
our families unknowingly
set for us over a decade ago.
A different friendship, but
it works, and I know
there will always be a part
of me, that loves
you.


<3
I miss you so much, i can't wait to see you.

Dear AJ,

You're the best little brother i could ever have asked for.
I'm pretty lucky this way, since i didn't already have one from birth. I've been graced with the choice of picking a little kickass companion to have by my side. I couldn't be happier to have chosen you.
You're one of the greatest people i've ever met. A truly wonderful person with brains, humour, and a good heart.
You always make me laugh, and you're always, always, always there when i need to cry. You know how to listen, and you know how to make me feel better.
You've got something that not many people have. So don't ever, ever, lose that.
You're one of the greatest, Fultinator. Don't ever change<3.

I think i'm more scared than i've ever been.

Fuck this, fuck that.

Fuck it.
Fuck drugs,
fuck alcohol,
fuck caring,
fuck giving and giving and giving,
and not getting anything back.
Fuck the people who tell you they care,
i'm waiting for the ones who show me they do.
Fuck the people who hurt me,
fuck the false hopes,
fuck lies,
fuck everything that's ever hurt me.
Fuck not being near you,
fuck wanting to see you,
and not being able to.
Fuck sad stories,
shitty days,
and not knowing what to do.
Fuck the bad taste he left in your mouth,
fuck not having money,
fuck wishing you were here.
Fuck those songs that always make me cry,
fuck that dress i wore,
fuck replaying unfortunate events in your head,
over and over and over.
Fuck putting up with it all and not knowing why.
Fuck this,
fuck that.
Fuck being somewhere you hate,
fuck all the bad memories.
Fuck the ones who make me cry,
fuck arguing,
fuck tears,
fuck not knowing what to do..
never knowing what to do.

Fuck it all.
Let's just run away.

Colten William Lavallee.

The only thing that's making me smile right now is knowing that we're friends again.
I'm so happy to have you back in my life,
but i need to see you put some effort into being my friend.

I miss you so much.
I miss our photography adventures,
picnics with you,
long days of talking about anything end everything,
drinking with you,
running around causing disruptions,
acting like idiots,
laughing for hours on end,
lying with you in the sun,
eating Subway with you,
dancing stupid with you,
hiding out with you in bathrooms,
random downtown adventures,
your running/jumping hugs,
late night phone calls for hours and hours,
stealing cookies with you,
always running into you when i happen to need you the most
and fighting with you, for you, and along side you, for the past 3 years.

You are one of my favourite people ever, Colten,
and i can't wait to see you on Tuesday.
Our beach day will be amazing<3



Please, don't let me down.
You mean the world to me.

<3TMNM

“Good morning, beautiful”.
Waking up beside you couldn’t have made me smile more.
I missed you,
And I loved you the whole time.
I can’t wait to spend another summer with you,
I can’t wait to hold your hand again.
I can’t wait to see how the way we’ve grown as individuals will help our relationship.
I can’t wait to be with you,
And hold you.
But above all,
I can’t wait for you to get better.
So please, get better soon<3.

Want, want, want.

I want to live in a quiet place where nothing bothers me anymore.
And i want you, you, you, you, you, and you to be there.
Just us, no one else.
I want wine glasses, candles, and poetry.
I want to say how i feel and feel what i want.
I want a dark room,
and pretty polaroids all over the walls.
I want corn muffins, tea, vegeterian sushi, and grapefruit juice.
I want to live in a place
where nothing bothers me.
I want to live in a place where i can smile more than i cry.
I want blankets, a fire place, and antique furniture.
I want endless books, records, photographs, and watercolours.
I want guitars, pianos, a song to sing, and someone to sing along with.
I want all this,

and i want the power to make it all happen.

Please don't hurt her the way you hurt me.









(I NEVER GOT OVER IT, I JUST GOT USED TO IT)

Lately

Lately all i want to do
is curl up in bed,
listen to music,
read,
write,
sing,
play piano,
take photos,
and cry.

I don't feel like doing anything but that.
I want to hibernate.

I fucking hate all of this.
















I wish.

What would i do without you?

I wish I could do something to change all this.
I wish I could take away the chemo.
I wish I could make it so your hair would never fall out.
I wish I could make your breathing troubles go away.
I wish you didn’t have to get all sorts of needles.
I wish you didn’t have to spend so much time in the hospital.

I wish this could just all go away.
I wish you could get better.

You really are all I ever think about.
And I don’t think that will ever change,
cancer or no cancer—
you’re always on my mind.



I love you, get better soon.