Winter.

Winter is here, and usually i dread the arrival of cold weather.
But this time i'm trying to be okay with it.
I'm trying to stay happy,
and warm.
I'm trying to get excited about winter like i get excited about summer,
so i'm making a list of things i want to do.
I'll put the ones i've completed in italics.


Go boozebogganing.
Laugh until i cry.
Go skating on the oval as often as possible.
Skate on the Canal.
Go to Winterlude.
Watch the Olympics.
Quit smoking.
Go skiing.
Play guitar more.
Play piano more.
Get caught up on school work.
Do well on my exams.
Read more.
Keep writing all the time.
Take winter photos.
Use my film camera more often.
Pay off all my debts.
Go into the new year with people i love.
Let him know how i feel.
Hold him close.
Go on adventures.
Get my "choice" tattoo with my dad.
Make a significant growth in my savings for Scotland.
By a bowl for my hookah.
Spend lots of time with my brother before he goes back to Halifax.
Find a better job.
Have a campfire in the snow.
Sit by the fireplace with tea and someone i love.
Make snow angels.
Build a snow man.
Buy new paints.
Perform one of my songs for someone.
Complete as many things as possible on the list with Jake Sullivan.
See a side of myself i've never seen before.
Take the best photo i've ever taken.
Over come a fear.
Stay strong.
Feel alive.

From watching you be so strong,
i've gained strength.
Thank you for being such a wonderful person.
I don't think i've ever met anyone quite like you.
I don't think i've ever met anyone with such love for the world,
and such compassion,
and such beauty.

You're one of a kind, Sophie.
Don't let the world get you down.

Keep fighting,
i know that's what he would want.

You're the one i miss.

Dear Adam,

Maybe my brother was right.
Maybe you're not coming back.

I understand you need time away.
I've felt that way before.
But while feeling that way i've always considered the other person.
I've always done everything i can not to hurt anyone else.
And i don't think you've done that.

I don't think you get how much you've hurt me.
I miss you.
I need you here with me.
The time we spent together was absolutely amazing.
In 2 short months, you became one of the best friends i've ever had,
and then you left.

I've told you so many times
how much it hurts to put my trust in someone
and then have them walk away.
You promised me you would never do that.
And then you did.

I know you said you'd come back when you're ready
but i don't know if you'll ever ready.
And if you do come back,
will it even be the same?

I miss making mix cds for you.
I miss having sleep overs with you.
I miss waking up at 5 am to watch the sunrise with you.
I miss getting wasted with you and laughing until we couldn't breathe.
I miss playing guitar and piano and singing with you.
I miss making dinner with you,
and going on adventures with you.
I miss BlackBridge nights,
and long bus rides with you.
I miss calling you up late at night,
knowing it was okay to cry to you.
I miss sharing my secrets with you,
and i miss the feeling of comfort you gave me.

I truely and sincerely
miss your heartbeat.
Nothing more,
nothing less.



"And you, you knew the hands of the devil.
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth.
Sharing different heartbeats,
in one night"

You are a survivor.
I can't believe how far you've made it.

Congratulations on being cancer free, Thomas Mackenzie Nathan Murdock.
I am so, unbelievabely proud of you.



"I remember a few years ago
on that perfectly terrible night
before everything fell apart,
the snow felt crisp falling on my skin,
right next to you.
....
And i know you don't think about that night much anymore
but that's okay.
There's no need to,
because i know you're happy where you are at least some days,
and that's all i want for you.
Because that's what you deserve."

Every bit of that was for you.
Every last bit,
because you're the one who's stuck by my side
through everything.
I'm sorry for hurting you,
but i can't tell you how happy it makes me to still have you
as a friend.
You are my best friend for so many reasons.


I'm happy you're so happy, Thomas.
You deserve nothing short of happiness.



Congratulations, over and over and over again.

Thoughts.

In this moment i'm happy.
I'm holding onto it as tight and as long as possible.
I know it will slip through my clenched fists soon,
but for now i've got it.
I'm holding onto it.




I remember a few years ago
on that perfectly terrible night
before everything fell apart,
the snow felt crisp falling on my skin,
right next to you.
And for now,
right now,
i feel that way again.

And i know i probably won't feel that way again for a long time
but it keeps coming back to me right now, and i love it.
Every second of it.
And i know you don't think about that night much anymore
but that's okay.
There's no need to,
because i know you're happy where you are at least some days,
and that's all i want for you.
Because that's what you deserve.




And you,
i rememeber that night when i kept falling over my words.
The night where i let you learn me.
I didn't just let you read my back cover.
I let you read my whole book.
And in that moment i swore i knew you better than i knew myself.

And now i don't know you anymore.

But that's fine.
Because i knew you for a moment.
And in that fleeting moment of open windows
and quiet sleepers on the floor next to us,
i knew we would be okay.

And now you're okay.
And i'm okay.
And that's okay.





And you,
i remember that time we walked down dirt roads
and i'd secretly sworn i would never spill my guts to you.
But that day i did.
I told you about my ugly bits and you loved me anyways.

And now
i'm sure you never think of that day.
We had a moment of complete openness in the midst of lunch bells
and rain falls.
And to me, that was enough.





And you,
i remember the day when you held me
because i was your best friend.
You were all i needed.
To me,
if there's such a thing as perfect,
that moment would define it.

And i remember how you let me bite my nails,
because i was scared.
And normally it was a habit you hated,
but you loved me for it that day.
You loved me for being me that day.
And i loved you for everything you were
and everything you ever had been.
And i still love you.

And even though you may not see it sometimes,
i hope you can still feel it all the time.





And you,
i remember
when you swore you'd tell me everything from there on in.
And i never felt more confident in the fact that
i was a friend.
I was a friend to someone and to me that was all that mattered.
That was all that mattered that day.
And i know you think about this sometimes,
but i don't think you know
how happy it made me.

And today it still does.
And maybe your promise didn't last long,
but that doesn't matter.
Because right then and there you wanted to let me in.
You opened your doors and windows and i could see all of you.
And i've never seen you so beautiful as you were in that moment.





I owe a thanks to all of you.


And the funny thing is,
i know that none of my other friends think about these moments,
or know that i had them.
And even if they do,
to them they're nothing of importance.

But it's the little moments that slip back into my memory at times like this,
that make me happy,
and who i am.

Somewhere in all of this,
i'm supposed to find happiness.
Or love.
Or excitement.
Or some emotion like that.

Somewhere in all of this,
i'm supposed to be sure of myself.
And find myself.
And find some sort of self confidence.

Somewhere in all of this,
i'm supposed to learn
that i don't need to change my clothes
six times in the morning
just to impress people.
Or lose weight,
just to feel beautiful.
Somewhere in all of this,
I'm supposed to stop looking for happiness
and let it find me.
Or something like that.

Somewhere in all of this,
i'm supposed to fucking know
what i'm doing.
Some how.
For some reason.

But i can't.
And i hate it.





I thought things were okay.
I think they still might be,
but i need to find a balance
before everything starts to get messy again.
If it's not already too late.

With autumn,
comes a new me.

I've started group therapy.
I'm saving
for when i move away to Scotland next year.
I'm falling for a boy-- fast.
I'm hurting
often,
but it's making me feel alive.

Things are all over the place,
but it seems kind of right.

I guess this is living.




I'm autumning for you.

I told myself i wouldn't fall for anyone.
I told myself i was done.
Because i've been hurt too many times.

But then you came along.
You came along and changed my mind.
And now i don't know what to do.
Because i'm falling for you.
Fast.

You're so amazing,
i'm at a loss for words.

But that other boy,

The boy who broke my best friend's heart,
has lost a lot of my respect.

Thanks for leading us all on.

This boy is amazing.

You're so easy to get along with
and to understand.
Yet you're so complex in the fact that,
you always seem to know what to do
and say.
You always know how to make me smile.
The way you hold me in your sleep is perfect,
the way you kiss me on the nose is wonderful.
The way you hold my waste and tell me i'm gorgeous
is breath taking.
I don't know how you make me feel this comfortable,
but i'm not complaining.
You're exactly what i needed.

To think that we hit it off so well
just out of chance
makes me so happy.

YOU MAKE ME SMILE
(:

Help.

I'm lost
and i'm confused.
For once i don't have someone to lean on...
For once i don't have you to lean on.
It's only me.
Maybe i'm making myself believe that i have more strength than i really do.
Maybe all this hard work i'm putting in is pointless.
Maybe i won't get anything out of it.
Maybe it's because i'm scared.
Maybe it's because i'm not ready for this.

I think i need some help changing my mind.

Dear Jessi,
you're only a month into motherhood,
but you're already doing an amazing job.
Lenni is so lucky to have a mother like you.
I am so, so, so proud of you.

I love you both,
unconditionally.
<3

Jamieson "Jake" Mackenzie Warren Dunlop,
thank you for being the one person who knows me better than myself.
Thank you for being my best friend,
in the most sincere but complicated sense of the word.
Thank you for understanding my flaws, and loving me anyways.
Thank you for sticking by my side, even after everything we've been through.
The friendship we share is so special, let's never let it go.

For everything under the sun,
I owe you one.




You saved me.

Be free of your broken self.

You do a damn good job,
of keeping me awake at night.
And scaring me out of putting my trust into anyone.
I have no intention of letting you back into my life
(but i'm hoping you don't want to get back into it anyways).
In fact,
i want to push you as far away as possible.
But i don't want to forget about what you did to me.
I just want to be able to think about it less often.
I want to be able to think about it, not in sadness, but in pride that i won this battle.
There are days,
weeks,
months,
where i wish it never happened.
But there' a little, tiny part of me
that knows i'm stronger because of it (or at least, i'm getting there).

I'm tired of hurting.
So i'm going to heal.
Starting tomorrow,
i'm going to fix myself.
I'm going to mend all the broken bits.
I know it won't happen fast,
but it will happen.
I'm not a victim anymore.
I'm just a hurting person waiting for some sort of sign,
or some sort of finish line.
Once i reach it,
i'll know i'm over you
and what you did to me.

What will you do?

I'm going to graduate this year,
and i'm going to do it on time.
I'm going to miss my big brother the whole time.
I'm going to quit smoking.
I'm going to peform at Coffee House, and maybe at Umi Cafe.
I'm going to focus on myself, and make sure i'm okay.
I'm going to go to group therapy.
I'm going to paint my room,
and frame my photos and put them on my walls.
I'm going to get a job.
I'm going to save money.
I'm going to do everything i can to get a plane ticket to Africa for next summer.
I'm going to work hard at everything i do.
I'm going to buy a new film camera.
I'm going to remain clueless as to who i am,
but that's okay..
Because no one ever really finds out anyways.

I'm going to do this all this year,
and i'm going to be happy.

Amazed by you.

You are exactly what i needed to happen in my life.
You are the person i've been waiting for.
You are everything i'm confused about,
and amazed by all at once..

You
are literally one in a million.


I'm not sure what's gotten into me,
but you're giving me a feeling i've literally never felt before.
All i ever want to do now is be around you.
Just as a friend,
just as someone who is completely
and utterly
baffled by you.

That night we spent together doesn't have to define our friendship,
but i know it's given us a greater connection.
I know i'm not ready for anything else to happen,
but i know that's okay with you.

You know that i'm scared,
but that doesn't scare you.
And that's what means the most..
that you're not afraid to break down my barriers to get to me.
I'm so, so thankful that you think i'm worth the struggle.
I've never felt like i was worth the struggle before,
and i never thought i would.

You're exactly what i was looking for.
Within a month and a half,
you've become one of my best friends.

Thank you for that.
Thank you for everything.

Come on now, come down now.

We draw maps and plans to escape.
And these little lines we trace will follow our veins
Through our wrists, through our arms,
To where it all starts,
To where the blood is pumped from our hearts.

New born

Welcome to the world, Lenni Ella Monroe.

Jessi, i am so proud of you.
I know times are tough, but you're going to be an amazing mother.
You've come so far, and now that she's here, i know you'll make the most of it.

I can't wait to meet this little girl.
I'm sure she's as beautiful as her mother.


I love you Jessi, congratulations.
Don't ever give up<3

Summer Daze

I'm already starting to cross some things off my list. I'm so excited :]


The things i've done are in italics.

Things I want to do this summer:

Get my hummingbird tattoo (April 13th, 2009!) and my “choice” tattoo.
See Adela.
See Marty and Wesley and Amanda as much as i can.
Go on a camping trip with friends.
Travel.
Hopefully go on a road trip to Newfoundland with Viktor.
Visit Erin and Eric in Bradford.
Go to Bluesfest.
Dance in the rain.
Lie on the ground and watch cloud shapes go by.
Go on a bike trip with Peter.
Get new camera supplies and start saving for my Nikon D80.
Get the Plastic Fantastic camera kit.
Make as few Hull Runs as possible.
Go on a picnic with Diamond Girl, baby, Little Boy Blue, Lungs, Bumble Bee, and Weasel.
Buy a hookah.
Have more sober fun than intoxicated fun. (I'd say it was about half and half)
Go on as many pointless adventures as possible.
Have umbrella drinks.
Have as many picnics as possible.
Go to Montreal and participate in TamTams.
Fall asleep in someone’s arms.
Have another pie and booze day.
Bring the whole crew together, for just one day, and have it feel like old times.
Get a job doing something i actually enjoy.
Go to the beach and make sand castles.
Have a bonfire party.
Have a beach party.
Sleep under the stars.
Spend the majority of my time outside.
Read as many books as I can get my hands on.
Write people letters, to tell them how I really feel.
Make a new friend who I feel a connection with that I’ve never felt before.
Paint more.
Write more.
Sing more.
Play more.
Shoot more.
Perform one of my songs for someone.
See old friends, and people I don’t get to see often enough.
Meet new people.
Break the routine, and try as many new things as possible.
Hang out with different people more often.
Become pen pals with someone, and actually keep it going. Screw the internet; I want old good ol’ fashioned letters.
Make 17 better than 16.
Have a fancy party.
Complete as many things on the list with Jake Sullivan as I can.
Have someone model for me for a photo shoot.
Take the best photo I’ve ever taken. (Maybe not the best, but at least one of the best)
See a side of myself I’ve never seen before.
Overcome a fear.
Stay strong.
Feel alive.





Let's make it a good one.

Be calm in your heart.

I think that
in this moment
that's how i feel.

Jake-O

"Holly you have so much strength it astounds me, to find strength in pain and hope in hurt is something that many people cannot do, if you get any stronger I'm afraid you'll turn to stone"
-Jake Sullivan.

I don't think i've ever recieved such an amazing compliment.
Just that makes me feel a thousand times better.

I'm so so so happy you're having an amazing time over there in Thailand, Jake. It fills me with happiness to know that you're learning so much and growing so much as a person. I envy your adventures, but i could not be happier for you. However, i absoulutely cannot wait for you to come home. I can't wait to give you a big hug and just pick up right where we left off.
I can't wait to hear all of the stories i haven't heard yet, and i can't wait to double ride on Joel's longboard again. I can't wait to have more picnics and go on more adventures through Aylmer and around Ottawa.
Thank you for being who you are, and thank you for being one of the best friends my eyes have ever seen. You make it easier for me to be myself, and remind me never to give up. You're the kind of person who only comes along once in a while. I feel extremely lucky to have met you, way back at the beginning when we wrapped plastic bags around our wrists and learned about eachother behind the counter at Grand& Toy.
Keep on living the way you do,
it's a beautiful thing.

Signs?

I think it might be :]

Drinking 200 dollar champagne and fucking to Beethoven's 9th symphony... now that's classy.


;)

Thoughts.

I talked with Sophie last night on the bus,
about Nick, and how much she missed him.
About how hard it is to know that someone you love is sick.
About how angry is makes both of us.

She's one of the strongest people i've ever met.
"I mean.. i lost my little brother to it...
My jaw and cheeks literally hurt for a week from crying so hard after i saw him die..."
That's always going to stick with me.

I love that she can be so open with me about Nick.
She actually loves talking about him,
but she needs someone who can listen and know what she's been through.

So we're going to set up a date,
just to talk, and get things off our chests.

I know my situation isn't as severe as hers, but it's good to have someone there for me.

I love her a lot,
and i'm so sorry that she had to go through all of that.



I'm just glad that she helped give Nicky a happy life.
May he rest in peace.





I love you, Soph<3.

I think i'm starting to feel alive again.

.. but i'm not getting my hopes up.

<3

Thank you...

Thomas Mackenzie Nathan Murdock,
for showing me what true love is. For showing me that, even after 3 years (cancer or no cancer), our love still exists, and it's now stronger than ever.
You always show unconditional love,
and you're always someone i can count on, night or day, through thick and thin.
Thank you for loving me just the way i am.
















Martine Joelle Marie Vallieres,
for always being someone i can talk to, and laugh with.
We always pick up right where we left off, and it always seems so perfect.
I love you for being so warm and open-hearted.
Please don't ever change who you are,
because the world would lose one amazing person if you weren't around being the wonderful girl you are.
















Jasmine Marieve Astrid Costa-Johnson,
for being such such a wonderful person. You always know how to lift my spirits, and you're the perfect person to talk to when i'm feeling down.
You've got something not a lot of people have: strength. You always know how to keep going, and you're always selfless in the process.
Thank you for being my favourite little twin.
















Wesley Gordon Burness,
for always being my best friend, no matter what. We may have drifted apart, but you're still the one who has my heart, entirely. You can talk to anyone about anything, and leave them smiling, and i love you for that. Thank you for knowing me inside and out, and always being here when i need your love the most.


















Alex Donald Fulton Johnson,
for being my other half. For always, always, always being there when i need to talk, and for always knowing just what to do and say. You dance in the rain with me, you always make me laugh, and you're just the friend i've been looking for. Thank you for being who you are, because it makes it easier for me to be me.














Amanda Victoria Mueller,
thank you for being so outgoing, so loving, and so hilarious. You always make me laugh more than almost anyone, and you're always so high spirited, no matter what happens. You've taught me to live a little more, and to keep my chin up, and i love you so much for that.



















Viktor McKenzie Masek,
for being like a third brother to me. You're the one i can go crazy with, the one who i can totally goof off with and not even care. Even though i don't get to see you very often, the times i do get to see you are always worth the wait. I love you more than a lot of people, and i love that you're always there for me, to look out for me, to tease me, and to make me laugh, just like any older brother would.




















Cory Jay Shepherdson,
for being someone who, for once, goes for what they truly want, and never gives up. Thank you for sticking around, through all we've been through. Thank you for talking to me for hours on end, sending me "good morning" texts, teaching me new things at every opportunity, and always greeting me with open arms. I can't believe you've put up with all the tears, the late-night drunk phone calls, the break ups, and the awkward silences. You've always been by my side, and you've always wanted to be there. So for all of this and more, i thank you.




















Lindsay Ellen Parker,
for literally being there my entire life. We may be very different people now, but no matter what, you always know just what to say to remind me that, no matter what, you are like a sister to me. You're the best sister i've never had, and you've got more wit and confidence than i've seen in a lot of people. You've managed to stay yourself, and not let people bring you down, and to me, that is amazing. Thank you for keeping in touch, regardless of the distance, and always being someone i can count on.



















Jacob Edward Sullivan the 3rd,
for taking life and making it exactly what you want. You live life more than anyone i know, you seize opportunities, and you go out and do what you want to do. You've shown me a side of myself that i really needed to find, and that is so important to me. Thank you for playing music with me, for making to-do lists with me, for calling me just to see how i'm doing, for joking with me, and for never ever ever judging me. You are truly an amazing person, and i am so unbelievabely happy i met you.



















Erin Taylor Hartman,
for reminding me that just because we're not always side by side, doesn't mean our friendship can't be strong. I miss you everyday, but honestly, the times that i do get to see you are so worth it. You are a truly selfless and beautiful person. You, in a lot of ways, are one of the best friends i could ever have asked for. You always know how to listen, you always make me laugh, and you always make sure i'm okay. But, above all else, you manage to give me some of the best few days of my summer every year, and forget about our time spent apart. I love you.



















Eric Thomas Frank Harvie,
for being a good friend in a short amount of time. There's not a lot else i can say other than thank you for caring so much in so little time. It means a lot to have someone like you around, making sure i'm okay. I hope to see you again in the future, i miss you lots and lots.




















Adela Zdimerova,
for keeping in touch. It means the world to me that we've stayed this close from such a distance. And now that you're back, even for such a short time, i remember why we became so close in the first place: it's hard to resist such an amazing person. We're inseperable, even with the distance and the language barrier. The six months you spent here with me were so amazing, and this past week has been just as great. You're my favourite little Czech, and you always make me laugh. I love you, infinitely. The amount i miss you when you're gone is ridiculous, but i know that, no matter what, we'll see eachother again someday... I pinky promise<3

















Jamieson "Jake" Mackenzie Warren Dunlop,
for being the one person who knows me better than anyone. We've had ups and downs, but no matter what i'll probably always be most comfortable in front of you. You're one of my best friends in the whole world, and i love you for sticking by my side. Even when things fell appart we managed to stay friends, and that makes me so happy. Thank you for being so honest with me, and letting me be my crazy self around you... you've opened my eyes to a lot of things that i was blind to before.

Adoijfodijfoidsjflijflksjfs.

I didn't think you could fuck me up so badly.

I hope you hurt beyond belief after what you did to me.
But the fucked up part is, i know you don't.
You still get pleasure out of fucking with my head, and you love to show it to the world.
I can honestly say that no one has hurt me as much as you,
no one scares me as much as you,
no one makes me as mad as you,
and no one has broken my trust like you.

I wish so badly i could say something,
but the selfish bit inside of me is just afraid that if i do,
i'll get hurt again.

I thought i was fine,
i thought i'd finally started to put it behind me,
until you fucked with my head again.
Public humiliation isn't pretty, and nor are the other terrible things you did to me,
and every single part of me wishes i had the guts to make you realize that.

You're a sick, sick person.
And it makes me sick to see that somehow, people still get wrapped up in your little game.
I've been hurt before,
but not like this.
I've never had my trust broken like this.
I've never had my emotions toyed with like this.
I don't know where you see the fun in this,
but i hope it haunts you in your sleep,
i hope it makes you sick like it makes me sick,
i hope it bothers you every second of everyday,
and i hope you regret it with every ounce of your being.
Because you
are a
bad,
bad,
bad
person.

I'm honestly ready to say that
you're the one who got me lost in the first place.
You're the one who pushed me off the edge,
and the one who left me afraid..
It's all your fucking fault
and it scares me that it's taken me this long to realize it.

I'm not usually one to hold grudges,
i'm not usually one to hate people,
or wish people to misery..
but i hope you lead a sad and sorry life,
because that's the fate you drove me to,
and i feel the pain of it every second of every minute
of every fucking day.

You deserve nothing short of the worst.



(I wish i could say i was ready to let go.. but i think this is only the beginning)

Iloveyoudad.

I think the day your blackerry dies
will be the day i get my father back.


I love you,
and i miss you more than you'll ever know.


Thanks for all your hard work.
Thanks for being the best father i could i could ever, ever, ever have asked for.
Thank you for fighting hard,
and staying strong,
and sticking around.

But i need you in my life for more than a few hours a week.





Today may have been one of the best days of my life,
really.
I seriously thought spending quality time with you was something that i might not get to do again for a few years.


But honestly dad,
you mean the world to me.
Thank you for everything.

Happy Birthday/Happy Father's Day,
I miss you and love you.

ErBear<3

This means the world to me.
Thank you, Erin:


I've never missed more than now,
those few short days a year.
And I knew nothing, and you
knew nothing. Still,
you came every summer,
to that same old spot
that our grandparents shared,
years before our time.
And we'd laugh, and forget
the awkwardness, and renew
ourselves every year
in that crisp, cool water.
We ran, just like we were told,
and somehow enjoyed
every moment of it.
A simple escape, here with you.
These roots have stayed,
and grown, throughout childhood,
through the confusion of
emerging teenage years,
and still as we stand
on the doorstep of adulthood.
And this whole time, I've never stopped
wishing you were just a ltitle closer,
though I know you wouldn't
deny the bonds that
our families unknowingly
set for us over a decade ago.
A different friendship, but
it works, and I know
there will always be a part
of me, that loves
you.


<3
I miss you so much, i can't wait to see you.

Dear AJ,

You're the best little brother i could ever have asked for.
I'm pretty lucky this way, since i didn't already have one from birth. I've been graced with the choice of picking a little kickass companion to have by my side. I couldn't be happier to have chosen you.
You're one of the greatest people i've ever met. A truly wonderful person with brains, humour, and a good heart.
You always make me laugh, and you're always, always, always there when i need to cry. You know how to listen, and you know how to make me feel better.
You've got something that not many people have. So don't ever, ever, lose that.
You're one of the greatest, Fultinator. Don't ever change<3.

I think i'm more scared than i've ever been.

Fuck this, fuck that.

Fuck it.
Fuck drugs,
fuck alcohol,
fuck caring,
fuck giving and giving and giving,
and not getting anything back.
Fuck the people who tell you they care,
i'm waiting for the ones who show me they do.
Fuck the people who hurt me,
fuck the false hopes,
fuck lies,
fuck everything that's ever hurt me.
Fuck not being near you,
fuck wanting to see you,
and not being able to.
Fuck sad stories,
shitty days,
and not knowing what to do.
Fuck the bad taste he left in your mouth,
fuck not having money,
fuck wishing you were here.
Fuck those songs that always make me cry,
fuck that dress i wore,
fuck replaying unfortunate events in your head,
over and over and over.
Fuck putting up with it all and not knowing why.
Fuck this,
fuck that.
Fuck being somewhere you hate,
fuck all the bad memories.
Fuck the ones who make me cry,
fuck arguing,
fuck tears,
fuck not knowing what to do..
never knowing what to do.

Fuck it all.
Let's just run away.

Colten William Lavallee.

The only thing that's making me smile right now is knowing that we're friends again.
I'm so happy to have you back in my life,
but i need to see you put some effort into being my friend.

I miss you so much.
I miss our photography adventures,
picnics with you,
long days of talking about anything end everything,
drinking with you,
running around causing disruptions,
acting like idiots,
laughing for hours on end,
lying with you in the sun,
eating Subway with you,
dancing stupid with you,
hiding out with you in bathrooms,
random downtown adventures,
your running/jumping hugs,
late night phone calls for hours and hours,
stealing cookies with you,
always running into you when i happen to need you the most
and fighting with you, for you, and along side you, for the past 3 years.

You are one of my favourite people ever, Colten,
and i can't wait to see you on Tuesday.
Our beach day will be amazing<3



Please, don't let me down.
You mean the world to me.