This is 2010.
This is the year i bust out,
make a difference,
make a change,
and keep on kicking.

(at least, i hope so)

Winter.

Winter is here, and usually i dread the arrival of cold weather.
But this time i'm trying to be okay with it.
I'm trying to stay happy,
and warm.
I'm trying to get excited about winter like i get excited about summer,
so i'm making a list of things i want to do.
I'll put the ones i've completed in italics.


Go boozebogganing.
Laugh until i cry.
Go skating on the oval as often as possible.
Skate on the Canal.
Go to Winterlude.
Watch the Olympics.
Quit smoking.
Go skiing.
Play guitar more.
Play piano more.
Get caught up on school work.
Do well on my exams.
Read more.
Keep writing all the time.
Take winter photos.
Use my film camera more often.
Pay off all my debts.
Go into the new year with people i love.
Let him know how i feel.
Hold him close.
Go on adventures.
Get my "choice" tattoo with my dad.
Make a significant growth in my savings for Scotland.
By a bowl for my hookah.
Spend lots of time with my brother before he goes back to Halifax.
Find a better job.
Have a campfire in the snow.
Sit by the fireplace with tea and someone i love.
Make snow angels.
Build a snow man.
Buy new paints.
Perform one of my songs for someone.
Complete as many things as possible on the list with Jake Sullivan.
See a side of myself i've never seen before.
Take the best photo i've ever taken.
Over come a fear.
Stay strong.
Feel alive.

From watching you be so strong,
i've gained strength.
Thank you for being such a wonderful person.
I don't think i've ever met anyone quite like you.
I don't think i've ever met anyone with such love for the world,
and such compassion,
and such beauty.

You're one of a kind, Sophie.
Don't let the world get you down.

Keep fighting,
i know that's what he would want.

You're the one i miss.

Dear Adam,

Maybe my brother was right.
Maybe you're not coming back.

I understand you need time away.
I've felt that way before.
But while feeling that way i've always considered the other person.
I've always done everything i can not to hurt anyone else.
And i don't think you've done that.

I don't think you get how much you've hurt me.
I miss you.
I need you here with me.
The time we spent together was absolutely amazing.
In 2 short months, you became one of the best friends i've ever had,
and then you left.

I've told you so many times
how much it hurts to put my trust in someone
and then have them walk away.
You promised me you would never do that.
And then you did.

I know you said you'd come back when you're ready
but i don't know if you'll ever ready.
And if you do come back,
will it even be the same?

I miss making mix cds for you.
I miss having sleep overs with you.
I miss waking up at 5 am to watch the sunrise with you.
I miss getting wasted with you and laughing until we couldn't breathe.
I miss playing guitar and piano and singing with you.
I miss making dinner with you,
and going on adventures with you.
I miss BlackBridge nights,
and long bus rides with you.
I miss calling you up late at night,
knowing it was okay to cry to you.
I miss sharing my secrets with you,
and i miss the feeling of comfort you gave me.

I truely and sincerely
miss your heartbeat.
Nothing more,
nothing less.



"And you, you knew the hands of the devil.
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth.
Sharing different heartbeats,
in one night"

You are a survivor.
I can't believe how far you've made it.

Congratulations on being cancer free, Thomas Mackenzie Nathan Murdock.
I am so, unbelievabely proud of you.



"I remember a few years ago
on that perfectly terrible night
before everything fell apart,
the snow felt crisp falling on my skin,
right next to you.
....
And i know you don't think about that night much anymore
but that's okay.
There's no need to,
because i know you're happy where you are at least some days,
and that's all i want for you.
Because that's what you deserve."

Every bit of that was for you.
Every last bit,
because you're the one who's stuck by my side
through everything.
I'm sorry for hurting you,
but i can't tell you how happy it makes me to still have you
as a friend.
You are my best friend for so many reasons.


I'm happy you're so happy, Thomas.
You deserve nothing short of happiness.



Congratulations, over and over and over again.

Thoughts.

In this moment i'm happy.
I'm holding onto it as tight and as long as possible.
I know it will slip through my clenched fists soon,
but for now i've got it.
I'm holding onto it.




I remember a few years ago
on that perfectly terrible night
before everything fell apart,
the snow felt crisp falling on my skin,
right next to you.
And for now,
right now,
i feel that way again.

And i know i probably won't feel that way again for a long time
but it keeps coming back to me right now, and i love it.
Every second of it.
And i know you don't think about that night much anymore
but that's okay.
There's no need to,
because i know you're happy where you are at least some days,
and that's all i want for you.
Because that's what you deserve.




And you,
i rememeber that night when i kept falling over my words.
The night where i let you learn me.
I didn't just let you read my back cover.
I let you read my whole book.
And in that moment i swore i knew you better than i knew myself.

And now i don't know you anymore.

But that's fine.
Because i knew you for a moment.
And in that fleeting moment of open windows
and quiet sleepers on the floor next to us,
i knew we would be okay.

And now you're okay.
And i'm okay.
And that's okay.





And you,
i remember that time we walked down dirt roads
and i'd secretly sworn i would never spill my guts to you.
But that day i did.
I told you about my ugly bits and you loved me anyways.

And now
i'm sure you never think of that day.
We had a moment of complete openness in the midst of lunch bells
and rain falls.
And to me, that was enough.





And you,
i remember the day when you held me
because i was your best friend.
You were all i needed.
To me,
if there's such a thing as perfect,
that moment would define it.

And i remember how you let me bite my nails,
because i was scared.
And normally it was a habit you hated,
but you loved me for it that day.
You loved me for being me that day.
And i loved you for everything you were
and everything you ever had been.
And i still love you.

And even though you may not see it sometimes,
i hope you can still feel it all the time.





And you,
i remember
when you swore you'd tell me everything from there on in.
And i never felt more confident in the fact that
i was a friend.
I was a friend to someone and to me that was all that mattered.
That was all that mattered that day.
And i know you think about this sometimes,
but i don't think you know
how happy it made me.

And today it still does.
And maybe your promise didn't last long,
but that doesn't matter.
Because right then and there you wanted to let me in.
You opened your doors and windows and i could see all of you.
And i've never seen you so beautiful as you were in that moment.





I owe a thanks to all of you.


And the funny thing is,
i know that none of my other friends think about these moments,
or know that i had them.
And even if they do,
to them they're nothing of importance.

But it's the little moments that slip back into my memory at times like this,
that make me happy,
and who i am.

Somewhere in all of this,
i'm supposed to find happiness.
Or love.
Or excitement.
Or some emotion like that.

Somewhere in all of this,
i'm supposed to be sure of myself.
And find myself.
And find some sort of self confidence.

Somewhere in all of this,
i'm supposed to learn
that i don't need to change my clothes
six times in the morning
just to impress people.
Or lose weight,
just to feel beautiful.
Somewhere in all of this,
I'm supposed to stop looking for happiness
and let it find me.
Or something like that.

Somewhere in all of this,
i'm supposed to fucking know
what i'm doing.
Some how.
For some reason.

But i can't.
And i hate it.





I thought things were okay.
I think they still might be,
but i need to find a balance
before everything starts to get messy again.
If it's not already too late.