Hummingbird

I've had a new confidence in me since i got my hummingbird tattoo yesterday.

Yeah, it's a little messy. It was done for free by an amateur, so what can you expect?
The truth is though, i don't care. I love it.
I don't care if it's hidden, or if my parents find out about it, or if it's messy.
All i care about is the fact that now i can bring it with me everywhere i go.
It means so much to me, and it makes me so happy that it will always be a part of me.
It's going to be hard to get used to always having it on my body. It's a little intimidating to think that it's now a part of me forever. But at the same time, i couldn't be happier.
I didn't want a silly little cliche colourful hummingbird pointing its nose into a flower. I wanted something simple, but with meaning. And that's exactly what i got, done by a friend, with another close friend squeezing my hand beside me, drinking beer, and listening to Sublime.



<3


April 13th, 2009

The waiting game

I think my strength is building up.
I'm ready to say goodbye to the old, and hello to the new.
I'm ready to be myself, whoever that is, and i'm ready to do it now.



The summer's bringing a side of me that i've never seen before.

I absolutely cannot wait.

A brief explanation

My name is Holly.

I'm happiest around people who play music, create art, and have a passion for life.
I belong behind my lens.
I'm small.
I'm still trying to figure out where i belong.
I'm convinced that, by some small mistake or slip-up in my parents' marriage, i was born in the wrong place. I belong somewhere far away from here.
I'm younger than i act, and older than i look.
I generally hold back from saying what i believe, because i'm afraid people will think differently of me.
I'm ready for things to fall back into place.
I live for adventure and excitement.
I was born to travel.
I'm seriously addicted to lip balm.
I'm terrified of elevators, and losing the people i love
I feel as though i'll never be as happy as i was last year. I need someone to change my mind.
I think i might be stronger than i give myself credit for.
I constantly dwell on the past, because i'm not ready to move on.
I'm afraid of the future.
I believe everything happens for a reason.
I'm a firm believer in choice. Everyone has one. Whether or not they'll make it the right one is up to them.
I've been extremely lonely since my dog died. He meant more to me than anyone will ever know. I don't know life without him, and i don't want to.
I hate who i used to be, but part of me wants those days back-- everything was more exciting then.
I've lost a lot of close friends to drugs an alcohol, and it makes me sad.
I haven't smoked a cigarette or done any drugs in nearly 8 months.
I'm double jointed in my hips.
I have been a vegetarian for nearly three years.
I live off Earl Grey tea and Chai Lattes.
I give too many second chances.
I love long summer nights with friends.
I'm getting a hummingbird tattooed on my hip in two days.
I love kissing him.
I love Wesley Gordon Burness and Martine Joelle Vallieres more than they'll ever know.
I think i'm finally starting to figure out who i am.

Goose and Keylime.

I fucking hate this.

You've toyed with my emotions,
and now i don't even know how to feel.

I know you were trying to help me, but really, all you did was make me feel guilty, and a little bit bitter.

How dare you tell me it meant nothing,
how dare you tell me i'm doing the wrong thing.
After two years of putting up with your bullshit, i'm finally learning how to think for myself, which is what you've always "encouraged" me to do. And now that i'm doing it, you're just putting me down.. over, and over again.

Fuck you very much for trying.
Really, i just feel wonderful right now.

I just miss the way things used to be.
Before you started lying and cheating and putting up walls.
Before you told everyone you were pregnant, when you really weren't.
Before you left you needle supplies in my family room, for my brother to find. (He confronted me about them, by the way. He thought they were mine. THANKS A FUCKING LOT.)
Before you lived with me, used me, and took full advantage of me.
Before you broke all of our promises, before you let yourself go and expected me to keep hanging on.
Before you became and attention whore, and just a whore in general.
Before you made me look like the bad one, before you made it look like everything was my fault, before you tried to shove your words down my throat.

I miss the days when we still had our swing,
and the days when i could tell you everything.
I miss our romantic dinners,
and walking into Powell House to find you laughing histarically on the floor.
I miss our girly chats, and i miss our laughing fits.

I miss that you,
but i sure as hell don't miss this you.

You might be mad...
but really, who can blame me for giving up?
I hate to say it, but you're a lost cause, Goosey.





Some days, i wonder if you miss this at all.

Bowlerboy& Guttergirl.

You make me smile so big.
And even though wisdom teeth surgery makes it near impossible for me to smile right now, on the inside i'm still glowing.

It's the little things that you do for me that make me fall for you over and over again.
It's the things like bringing me cake, and texting me things like "you're adorable", even when i'm sitting right beside you. It's the things like playing the question game with me, so you can get to know me better, and holding me in your arms as we fall asleep together. It's all those times that we have sleeping bag wars, and talk about life and ambitions, and go bowling together. It's the way you look at me straight in the eyes and smile, and the way you hold me in your jacket when i'm cold. It's the way you drive me around and tell me stories that make me laugh uncontrolably, and the way you send me the cutest little texts for me to wake up and fall asleep to. It's the way i can read your emotions just by looking into your eyes, the way you love your dog more than just about anyone in the world, and the way you tell me i'm beautiful. It's the way we share the same passion, and you just get lost in your photographs. It's the way you teach me new things every time i see you, and all the times that we go out and shoot together. It's the way i can see how much it means to you while you're taking a photo, and how much it means to you to have me standing there beside you. It's the way you agree that we both need to take it slow, because we're both not ready to jump into something huge just yet, but it's the way you make me hope, with every ounce of my being, that eventually, once i'm ready, i can really call you mine.
It's everything about you that's making me fall for you. And it's everything about you that makes me excited to know that you'll be there to catch me in the end.






<3

I'm done.

I'm done, and i'm sorry but i won't turn back.

It's not like i didn't care for you.
It's the false hopes and promises that i didn't care for.

I was sick of getting hurt, and lied to. Sick of getting crushed and giving you second, third, fourth, and ten millionth chances.
You didn't make it easy, but i tried, and it wore me down.
It's not like i don't miss you, but i'm happy right where i am, and that's exactly what i need.

And besides, i've found someone with ambitions. Someone who treats me well and shares my passions.
And in all honesty, that's what a relationship should be.

So thank you for the last 9 months. Thank you for everything you taught me, and all the good times you gave me.
But please, please, don't come running back.
Because i've finally found the strength in me to say no... once and for all.

Baby doll

When i heard what happened, i broke down.
You're one of the most amazing, beautiful girls i've ever met, and i couldn't believe it.
"Elle pourrait mourir".
I didn't know what to say. Your father told me you might die, when just a few days earlier i'd been planning to see you on my trip to Montreal.


I saw you on Sunday.
You're just not the same.
I could still find the same bubbly, loving, beautiful Florence inside of you... but it took a lot of searching. You look different, you act different, your voice is different, your face is different. You're just different. And i know i would have been naive to think otherwise, but it just scared me.
I know you'll live, i'm sure of that now. But i know you'll never be the same again, on the inside or on the outside.
Spending time with you was amazing, though. Feeding you jell-o, and listening to you chat about how you'd been over the past few years. You almost spoke as though nothing had happened, but i could still hear it in your voice.

You're beautiful baby, and you always will be-- whether or not you're scarred and broken.
You've got so much strength, and i know you can pull through. I'm always here for you, don't ever forget that.
I love you. Forever and ever, no matter and always.








Don't be an idiot. Don't fucking drink and drive. And don't you dare fucking hurt people the way they hurt her.